My Sports Betting Addiction, I’ve Decided To Become a Professional

2020 has been my best year so far. I’m only down $200,000 and my wife has left me for the local golf pro. But hey! At least I have reached the top tier of my bookies’ loyalty big gaming, so I can escape from my parent’s basement and take Mother to the movies every Saturday night.
As there’s no way for me to blow my inheritance money betting on Chelsea’s goalkeeper eating a pie before the 20-minute mark or Tom Brady rejoining the New England Patriots by 2025, I have decided to become a kickass pro day trader. And since my “DOW 30,000” hat has arrived in the mail, I’m now the real deal.
It ain’t just me making the transition from a hotshot sports bettor to a pro trader. My homies are joining in the fun. Barstool Sports CEO, Dave Portnoy, is down $750k right now, but I’m sure he’ll turn it around. He’s the CEO of a company, after all. What could possibly go wrong?
My wife’s other boyfriend says he’s a full-time FOREX day trader, but he lives in a cave and eats cold beans on Ryvita every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But I’m sure that’s nothing to do with trading. He’s just living a frugal lifestyle.
I’m finding this trading malarky tough though, which is understandable: My only financial education involves 4:00 am YouTube sessions where I learn from a guy who works as a janitor for a top hedge fund. He tells me the secret to successful trading is to ignore all that “Math Quant BS” and to trade what you know.
Conveniently, DraftKings, the company I lost all my money to gambling on sports has just gone public, so I’ll be shorting the crap out of their stock to teach ‘em a lesson — and to possibly win my wife back.
During my latest “degen” trip to an illegally opened bar that you’ve never been to, I borrowed some money from a young man named Tony. As collateral, he’s storing the top of my left pinky in his freezer until I pay him back, but don’t let that fool you. He’s a great guy deep down — apart from that whole mafia thing.
After depositing the $10,000 of Tony’s drug money into my trading account, my stockbroker, who couldn’t possibly have any conflicts of interest, said I can leverage 500 times my account balance. Amazing! I can bankrupt Draftkings overnight, you know, as George Soros did to the British Pound. Right?
My broker also said that because I’m a beginner, I don’t pay commissions, providing I watch their educational videos entitled “how to buy here and sell here” and “follow this moving average and make big dollars.” I’m down 60% in the first ten minutes of trading, but free stuff will surely make up for my losses.
I read somewhere that 80% of day traders lose their entire balance, but that’s because they’re a bunch of noobs. LOL! I, on the other hand, am a trading god, and my initial 60% loss of capital won’t change that.
Despite my lack of knowledge, skill, and experience, plus a potential mafia whacking, I will continue to plow the rest of my liquidity into cheap stocks like Boeing, Hertz, and Luckin’ Coffee because these suckers can only go up from here. Don’t fight the Fed y’all.

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